Now, normally, I’m not one to place a bunch of pomp and circumstance on the new year. I mean, sure, I might write a couple half-assed goals on my mirror, like, ‘workout more,’ or something equally basic, because don’t lie, we all do – but it’s never a feeling that persists for more than two days at a time. That feeling of change, of metamorphosis, of urgency… But even as I write this, I know. This year? It’s a big year. Oh, it’s a big year, for sure.
At the end of 2016… Yes, I’m talking about ‘the end of 2016’ as if it were a momentous discrete event like The Big Bang that happened 13 billion years ago instead of something that just ended three days ago. Let’s go with it.
At the end of 2016… My very being was rejecting the life I had created for myself. Objectively, there was absolutely nothing wrong with that life. In fact, it was a pretty great life. Let me be real about that. I lived in a nice apartment building full of clean cut yuppies who would never steal any of your things even if you left your door unlocked, I had been promoted 3 levels in four years and made a silly good amount of money for my age at my job, I had good friends from all periods of life who loved me unconditionally just like I loved them, I had gotten over my aversion to dating apps and just embraced what it is to search for love in today’s day and time.
And yet, I was sad and listless and unmotivated, when normally I’m a ball of crazy positivity and dynamo energy. It hurt my soul to know I was this shell of who I know I am, and I knew I was alone in this. One, because ultimately, I believe everyone is responsible and accountable for the everyone’s own individual happiness. At least, until you find that one true love and your world changes but hey let’s not get ahead of ourselves. And two, to most people, my internal struggle was lost, because even a ghost of myself operating at 20% probably looks equivalent to the energy of a normal person. I did this cheesy exercise to come up with a tagline, which is supposed to be a pithy statement that highlights what makes you unique – both in a positive and potentially negative way. ‘I am a positive force of energy, but I must be harnessed towards a greater cause.’ And in that moment, I knew, the greater cause was lost on me. Days passed and activities distracted, but I loved nothing. I was unanchored.
It pains me to admit that I cried at least once a week from frustration… because I’m a problem solver and I just could not for the life of me crack the problem. I hated that this was happening, because I don’t like to be weak and I don’t believe in helplessness. I believe in action. I just wished I knew what that action was supposed to be.
Pause. I know this sounds all very dramatic. And some people may roll their eyes, thinking, this chick has it all, she’s got absolutely nothing to complain about. And I’ll accept that criticism. I just know… For my existence, for my happiness, I need more.
Churning and torturing myself within the confines of my situation was getting me nowhere. I had come to terms with past events but had no insight into the future. So, I changed my situation and I searched for more. I abandoned my family, my friends, and my job, and I up and left for an 11 day solo trip to Thailand! My own version of Eat, Pray, Love, if you will. Even though I’ve never read the book because honestly I fell asleep during the movie and just can’t bring myself to pick it up. So, instead, I’ll write my own self-proclaimed more interesting version of Eat, Pray, Love… here, in my blog. To come after this post. Thailand was the best decision of my life, and exactly what I needed.
As for what I’ve found so far, it’s an evolving list, recorded here for posterity.
- Meditate for 1/2 an hour a day. Give myself some peace
- Set aside 1 hour to write per day. Have always wanted to be a writer, for as long as I can remember. Perhaps even create that podcast
- Go to bartending school and bartend on the side. Have always been interested in opening a club, but need to learn more about the industry
- Prototype an illusion based art museum. Saw one in Thailand and have many ideas on how to improve
- Look into opportunities within my company, that have more influence and action, like a sales skill set. Have always known I have a likeable personality; would like to know how to leverage that better
- Move to New York or Chicago? Need a change of venue?
- Look into consulting, potentially boutique so as not to crush my soul unless I feel I need the flash of The Big 3 on resume. Option to continue investing in client-facing skillsets
- Take the GMAT. Option to go to b-school
Peace out. Thailand adventures coming soon!